Who I Am... The Life and Times of Kane Alexander (PT 2)

So, where did I leave off??? Oh, yeah... Both my brothers were in new relationships, while I had made a new friend.

In the midst of my working my new job, getting to know Cam, and trying to not feel like the third wheel, I just wanted to feel wanted. So I turned to my old coping mechanism. I began to use physical connections as a means to combat the loneliness I was feeling. Bad idea. I got it in, whenever, and damn near where ever I pleased. Bit by bit, I was breaking down on the inside. The thing with meaningless sex is this, its empty. You can't find comfort in empty acts. The void I was feeling only grew larger and larger. Then one day, I got the phone call.
"Hi, is this Marshall?" the voice said.
"Yeah, this is he." I replied.
"Hi, I work for the Daily Egyptian (Carbondale's student news paper), and I wanted to ask you a few questions about Mikal Donaldson, is that okay with you?"
"Sure, but Im a little confused about why. I haven't spoken to Mickey in about 2 weeks." I said.
"Oh, my God. You don't know?" she said, "Mikal was found dead in his home this morning."
The world stopped. I was at work, and I had just parked one of the rental cars when those words came out her mouth. I was stuck, I didn't know what to do. I could not hold back my tears. One of the first people I met in Carbondale had died. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't walk. I was in the garage so long, that one of the associates came to check on me. She found me sobbing in the car I had just finished with. Every time I had to repeat those words "Mickey's dead" it hurt even more. I was the first of our friends to know.
Days pass, and I'm in a fog. I was going through the motions. I'd force myself to smile, and breakdown whenever I was alone. One day it was so bad, I had to ask to go home early. Then, one night it happened. Cam and I had planned to hang out, I was tired of talking to Drizzy and Dramatic and listening to them go on about their blossoming relationships, and I needed a break. We sat and listened to music, and watched movies, and just chilled. Then there was a kiss. The kiss. I don't remember who kissed whom, but I do remember feeling something. Something wasn't right about that kiss, I knew it, but I kissed him back anyway. Before I knew it, we were dating. It all was a blur, we went from 0-100 in a matter of days. I found myself questioning if this was what I wanted early on. After an argument about a party, I knew there weren't any feelings. But I HAD to make this work, to prove to myself that I could maintain a healthy normal relationship. It became increasingly difficult as Cam began to show his true color. Homeboy was NUTS. If we had sex as much as we argued, things would have been ok. Hell, if we had sex at all, things would have been different. 6 months and two indiscretions later, I dissolved our relationship. After the breakup, I decided that it was time to make some changes in my life. I began to take stock of my friendships, my whole way of life needed to change. I decided to start writing, instead of screwing. I knew I needed to change. I knew that I needed to find other ways of dealing with loneliness, but old habits are hard to break. But eventually, I won.
Fast forward to April 2008. My brothers ex confessed to having feelings for me. The feeling was more than mutual. I asked my brother if he would be cool with me and the ex to explore the possibility of us being more than friends, and my brother adamantly refused. I decided to do it anyway. So I secretly dated him. I felt horrible about going behind my brothers back, but at the same time I felt that I had won the prize I had been waiting on. A month later it was over. I kept the secret from my brother for months. It killed me to smile in my bro's face, knowing that I had willingly betrayed him. Eventually, I began to think that the secret would just die. But as they say, "Whats done in the dark will ALWAYS come to light."
Its November, and I had met this young man, and we clicked instantly. Not really sure what I was looking for, I kept my growing feelings to myself. Then thanksgiving night happened. We took our friendship to another level. We began dating, and everything was going great. I was ready to introduce this guy to my friends, and my brothers. December 30th, 2008 we double dated with Dramatic. December 31st, we kicked it hard with Duke and Wifey at our NYE party. January 9th, I got another phone call. "I think I like your brother." I was floored. I felt hurt, betrayed, and I had no clue what to do. So, I lashed out. I called Duke, we got a bottle, and I began to drink WHOLE cups of vodka. I fell myself falling into a dark place, and quick. I ordered my brother to never contact him, blind to my own transgressions. I ran my brothers name through the mud. January 10th, I was out drinking again, and he called, "You told your brother to never talk to me again?" I was livid. I immediately called Dramatic, and laid into him for telling my guy I didn't want them contacting each other, and in a fit of rage, I let go of the biggest secret I had ever kept between us. The events that followed sent me down a road of loneliness and depression. I hated myself, almost as much as I hated my "ex". I became a dark person. I felt nothing. I was set to make him feel all the pain I was feeling. For the first time, I voiced how hurt I was, and I made sure he knew that he affected me in such a manner. I had one thing on my mind, and that was revenge. I had lost my brother, and I knew it was my fault. Valentine's day came around, and my ex tricked me into spending it with him. Little did I know that we would end up re-living thanksgiving. Two days later we were back together. While Dramatic and I were back on speaking terms, I had to convince him that there was a method to my madness. And a few months later, I successfully hurt T. I had no cares about the collateral damage I caused. It was official, I was in a dark place. I began to question who I was as a person. I couldn't be such an evil individual. But here I was hurting people, doing what I pleased, when I pleased. I had also managed to put EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS in an awkward position surrounding my situation. I definitely needed to regroup.
Eventually, I was healed. My heart no longer hurt because I found love. I found love in myself, I knew all my friends loved me and wanted the best for me, and as long as I had them, I would never be alone. By the summer of 09, I was a new person. The man you guys know now. I learned my lessons, and I'm always willing to share my story. This who I am. Im flawed, my past isn't snow white, but its the past, and it makes me who I am today. A strong MAN.

FIN.