Who I Am... The Life and Times of Kane Alexander (PT 1)

October 7, 1986 I came into the world, but I didn't come alone. That's right, I'm a twin. I am technically the youngest of four. I have one sister, and two brothers who passed as little babies. I grew up fairly normal. I had my mom, my dad, and my Granny. Pretty typical upbringing. I was a bit of an overachiever in grade school, good grades, and all. Boring. LOL, my life was pretty boring until my teen years, but when I was eleven my life changed completely. I experienced my first death in my immediate family. November 2, 1997, my dad passed away. I planned his funeral, meaning I picked the casket, the burial ground, the date and time of the funeral. I got so sick of my mother crying, and moaning about how she couldn't do it, so I did.
Let's fast forward to my high school years. Carver Military Academy. Yes, I am the product of military school. And yes, I went voluntarily. I was terrified of high school. I had managed to burn bridges with the only person I really knew at my new school, the year before in 8th grade. In the beginning I spent a lot of time by myself, I wouldn't call myself a loner, but I felt alone. Mostly because I felt sooo different, than everyone else. I kept these feelings to myself for a long time. For the first month of HS I was basically navigating my way trying to deal with these thoughts and feelings I was having. Eventually, I found my place, alongside Duke and Lady. During the summer following our freshman year, I came to terms with the fact that I was indeed different than most of the kids in the school, I realized my sexuality. It terrified me. I was confused, worried, and lonely. I grew closer to Lady, while Duke and I remained mutual acquaintances. By the start of sophomore year, Lady and I were inseparable, we even had division(homeroom)together. Before I knew it, Lady was my best friend. We shared everything, our deepest secrets, fears, hopes, etc. She was my rock and my confidant, yet I still felt distant. Over the years at Carver, I became a different person, I was no longer shy, I began to carve my niche as McIntosh, the dude who didn't give a fuck. That's why people liked me, and hated me, cuz I was known for speaking my mind, good or bad. The monster had been unleashed.

I hope Im not boring y'all, its gonna get good, I swear.

I had my friends, and my associates, my grades weren't all that, but I was cool with that. I found my insecurities growing though. I found myself looking in the mirror, and seeing someone ugly, and unattractive, I saw an abomination. I had met a few people who were also gay, and they seemed to get me, they seemed to understand. But eventually, they would fade. I would get those types of friends in waves, they would come and go. Which made me feel very alone, and unloved. Then it happened, I had my first hook up. I was an insecure 17 year old, and he was an insecure 21 year old... we were friends. After the first time, I felt like I had done something so terribly wrong, that it actually depressed me. Not enough to keep it from happening again, or again...or again. Or again. Eventually, I grew bored. I completely disconnected myself from him, and our "friendship", I just wanted him out of my life, and he wasn't going as easily as I would have liked. He was the first time I had to hurt someone. The floodgates opened. I was having sex, and lots of it. I didn't care. I wasn't reckless, but I didn't see the point in trying to get close to anyone, I felt this was all there was, pointless, emotionless, sex. (And apparently, I was good at it, so why not.) By the time I was 18, I had my first real relationship. Talk about a bad romance. This relationship was SO bad, Im not even gonna talk about it much, but it broke me down, and wore me out. And while Im semi-secretly(at this point Lady knows I'm a homo) dating this guy, my home life is going to hell, Im in the middle of trying to get myself into college, and we have to vote my mom off the island for being a drunk, and Im dealing with a nigga who is so uncaring and insensitive. Then I met Drizzy. We were both about to start a new stage in our lives, he was attending the college of my dreams JACKSON STATE UNIVERSITY,and he was also in a shitty relationship so we learned to lean on each other, and we became really good friends. I felt like I had met someone who I had finally connected with, it was a great thing.
By the summer of 2005 life was changed again, my best friend was gone to basic training, my "relationship" was still draining the hell out of me, and I was so over it all. I got the best letter of my life saying I had been accepted to Southern Illinois University, and I had a way out. A way out of the house that was strangling me, a way out of this horrible relationship, a way out of the city. I was uber geeked. That August, I was officially on my own. Thus began my life as a struggling student. Also, the start of another evolution. I was struggling for real, surviving on work study checks (about 60-70 dollars every 2 weeks) 20 bucks here and there from home, and ZERO help from my mom. I became very self sufficient. I also began to look at my family and friends very differently, there was times when my friends would do for me, when I'd beg my mother for a little help. I also began to feel more comfortable with myself, and I was in a good place. Then I met Dramatic. We clicked instantly, we talked damn near everyday for almost a year...then the brotherhood was formed.
After a year and a half, the struggle became too much, I was tired of having no help from the fam, and asking my friends to help out here and there when they could, so I decided to leave Carbondale. My life in Chicago was pretty decent, I was with out a job for about 2 weeks, and I was back on my shit. Then I met Cam. We were friends, and nothing more. Dramatic started dating this guy, and Drizzy was dating, and I was feeling lonesome again. So I fell back into old habits, false physical attachments and nothing more.